Ok fine, I was snooping

Today I found something interesting…

Yes I was snooping through his emails, no I didn’t really know what I was looking for, just something. I guess part of me thinks if I find something to prove infidelity it’ll give me a hard and fast reason to tell him to go away.

But then I found something that felt like a punch in the stomach. It was an email dated back to January this year, an email asking to confirm his email address as he’d signed up to a website. The site is called Chaturbate, and you can imagine what they do on there. On one hand, we weren’t living together and my head tries to explain it away by saying he must have been lonely and wanting a bit of fun… but there are free sites for that, if you want to find naked bodies and videos… why sign up to one? I got the impression this site is more for talking and sharing than just watching, does that make it more like cheating? I tried to log in, but I have no idea on a password. I set up my own account, hoping to find his username and see what he’s been up to but you can’t search for people. I’m now in catch 21, if it was a one time thing, I’ll look awful for having snooped. Yet if this is still going on, I need to know.

That’s not all I found, there was also an email dated October last year (when we were together) from a site called myfreecams, I assume it’s pretty much the same thing. In this one he is trying to log on but getting an authentication error message.

What does everyone think? Do I confront him, or leave it? Is it cheating? He’s fast becoming someone I don’t recognise 😦

A glimpse…

This weekend I’ve had a glimpse of the man I love so much.

The week was full of ups and downs, I spoke to a friend on Tuesday when I was feeling low and was invited out the next evening. I told Steve this that evening and he seemed less than impressed. Not able to hold back some of my hurt, I said from now on I’m going to keep myself as busy as possible, so that he can do what he loves and I won’t be in the way. He told me I wasn’t being fair, and that he does want to spend time with me occasionally. OCCASIONALLY… That one word caused an argument.

On Thursday night I found out why he was so upset by my girls night out. He had planned to cook me dinner, not game, and give me his undivided attention. While this is sweet, I can’t count the times I’ve tried to plan a “date night” only to find out he has a gaming thing he needs to watch, and actually, it’ll be on all weekend, so sorry about the expensive, more-special-than-usual dinner, but I’ll want you to serve me at my desk.

This evening happened on Friday instead. He came home and cooked me a lovely meal, I lit candles, we spent the evening together. It was wonderful.

Saturday was even better, we went to watch the fireworks together. (If you gloss over the fact that I paid for everything), we had a great evening. When the fireworks started, he pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. We spent the rest of the evening laughing, joking, and having the most amazing time. While on the sofa he said he knows how lucky he is to have me, and I’ve completed his life. When it came time to go to sleep, he looked across at me from his side of the bed and said thank for a lovely day.

Evenings like that are what keep me going, and give me hope. I felt like his little bear again, loved and cherished, it was the best moment I’ve had in a long time.

Today, he got up at 8am, and starting gaming. There was no breakfast or lunch, we cooked and ate dinner together which took about an hour. He’s still gaming… if you take the hour off for food that’s 11 hours he’s clocked up today. He has a promotion at work that they are practically giving him, an extra £6,000 a year, all he has to do is produce a cover letter for them tomorrow. He’s not done it.

At least I can say I’m not the only thing that comes in second to his beloved games…

The future

As I got a lovely comment on my last post I thought I should explain my situation a bit more…

I wish I could just leave. I’ve asked him what would happen with the house that we rent if we split. His answer was that we would have to live with each other until we can get out of our contract. In other words he has no intention of moving out until he has to (I don’t think he has the money for a deposit on a new place either). I could of course move out, but I would be leaving him with rent that he couldn’t cover, and it was me who paid the deposit on this place with no financial help from him so I’ll be damned if I’m moving out and letting him take my deposit money. We can get out of our contract early next year, and as I don’t really want to live here with him as “friends” I’m a bit stuck.

This weekend he was on the computer when I got up both days (I don’t see the point in getting up early to have even more time on my own). Yesterday he was on until 5, with me serving his lunch at his desk. We then went out with friends, where he belittled me and made me feel worthless. I did my best to brush it off and instead enjoy the company of his friends wife, who is lovely! Today was much the same, straight onto his games, me making his lunch, eating at his desk, and only getting off at 6. He insisted on making me dinner which is nice, when I went in there to make a coffee and have a nice chat he had his headphones in which he refused to take out or turn down the music, so instead I got told off.

He said last night I’ve seemed really off with him the last few days, but I think it’s more a case of wanting to give him a taste of his own medicine which I know isn’t healthy. On Friday he finally finished gaming about half 10, then came to sit next to me on the sofa, where he instantly got his phone out and started playing a game on that. I asked questions and got grunts, I made jokes which fell flat, and when I pulled him up on it I got told it just wasn’t that funny. Hypocritically I got told today that I must be in a mood for giving him 1 or 2 word answers, when all I can think of is “so you finally want to fucking talk to me, well sorry mate but I’m busy now”.

My self esteem is at an all time low, he’s made me feel unfunny, unwanted, boring, stupid, lazy… I want out but I have another 4 months until thats possible. I decided a while ago to just keep trying for that time, because then at least I can say to myself that I tried my best and us failing isn’t my fault. Sometimes though it’s hard to keep going when I feel like there’s a brick wall in my face.

Am I being to hard on him? My mum says I should be glad he has a hobby and isn’t pestering me all the time but this surely isn’t normal? Any thoughts from the gaming community would be welcome.

What to say…

What to say when there’s no words…

It’s the end of a long week, and a hug is at the very top of my wish list. After some devastating news I’ve been feeling pretty fragile, and some reassurance is desperately needed. I have some wonderful friends who have been so supportive and a constant positive force recently. They deserve all the credit for me not falling to pieces of late.

I’m not really sure what to say in this post, but I know if I don’t vent a little I will inevitably implode. I second guess everything, and read too much into situations, I get into my head, and sit with friends, realising an hour has gone by and I haven’t said anything… just nodded and smiled in all the right places. I worry that if I keep moaning, people will get fed up with me and leave.

I’ve been in contact with my ex, who seems to be doing fantastically. New life, new lady, great job. He tells me his plans for the weekend, and asks about mine… I have nothing to say. I don’t go out, make plans, see many friends, or even get spoken to at home most of the time. I try to put a happy spin on my response, not wanting him to pity me, because what can you say…

Tonight I had a lovely meal planned, more hardcore cooking than the usual weekday stuff. Steve gets in and I get the normal hug and kiss on the cheek, then it’s onto his computer. After a while, I interrupt, apologising if it’s an inconvenient moment, but would he be happy if I started dinner… he’s not hungry, probably won’t be all evening, but why don’t I cook it and he might have a bit…

he turns back to his game…

At this point I receive a phone call from a dear friend and go upstairs to chat. When I reappear downstairs I get asked if everything’s ok, I’ve been on the phone? Yes, I say, am I not allowed to speak to my friends, laughing away his controlling nature. So I try again, are you a bit hungrier now? I get the same response, with an added, don’t worry about me, I’ll just have some toast later. So I don’t bother cooking, there’s no point making a fancy meal just for myself, and I pop some crumpets in the toaster.

He’s still gaming away, unaware of the girl sat on the sofa, lonely and sad. I get stunted answers to my questions if he’s sat with half a headphone off, barely listening as he clicks away. As soon as he has a loo/food break though he talks over my programmes and constantly asks if I’m OK if I do anything but flash him a beaming smile.

In his company I feel confused and weak. If we argue, I’m the one who always ends up apologising, he has an answer for everything. I’m not the strong, independent woman I was last year, who could get up and face the world everyday because I was fierce with determination, love for my friends and family and an eagerness to survive.

Now I feel like I’m sinking…

So, there’s Steve…

Steve isn’t his real name (obviously!) but for the sake of anonymity it’s the one I’m going with.

Steve and I have been together for over a year, were friends first, got along great and finally much to the relief of our friends, eventually hooked up. We were inseparable, as much as you can be when you live in different places, and travelled almost every weekend to see each no matter the dent it created in our bank balances. We text every hour of the day and went to bed late just so we could chat more. Life was good and we quickly fell in love. We went out, cinema, gigs, events, markets, dinner, whatever was going on we were there and we were together. We also spent a lot of time in each other’s homes… but this is not that kind of blog!

It’s at this point in our story I think I should point out, Steve is a gamer. I knew this, and when we were apart he would spend his evenings online with his friends battling demons, breeding overly large chickens and generally chilling out. He would of course text me in between battles and fill me in on his online world as well as ask about my day. During our weekends together he would put the mouse/controller down and we’d spend quality time together, talking of holidays, music, the future, OUR future together.

Earlier this year we bit the bullet, or rather I did, and quit my job so we could move in together, saving the long commutes to see each other and start our lives properly. It was blissful, being able to wake up next to him everyday. Yes I missed my job and my friends, but I threw myself into joining clubs and building up a network around my new home. Though as the days and weeks passed I felt lonely, I started wishing for my old life back. This was compounded by the fact that his gaming seemed to be much more consuming than I ever realised. Yes he gamed in the evenings after work, but it was as soon as dinner finished until 10, sometimes even 11pm. Not only this, but at the weekends switching on his beloved computer was the first thing he did, and he didn’t stop unless it was for food, again finishing late evening.

I don’t want you to think this happened occassionally, or that anything has changed. It’s every evening, every weekend. I’ve asked him for dinner dates, I get told it’s not really his thing. I ask if he’d like to go out for the day to explore local towns and cities, he tells me he’s already been there and doesn’t want to go again. I ask him to comedy shows, but he doesn’t find that particular comedian funny. I ask if he’d like to go for a nice walk, he can even bring his precious pokemon game, but he has a headache, or it’s too cold… anything to stay in attached to his PC.

All this, I might on occassion, be able to deal with. But it falls to me to buy the food, cook dinner, wash up, clean, do the clothes wash etc etc. He does wash up, maybe once every other week, I have had dinner cooked for me maybe once a month, and there is the odd time where he will put on a wash (though for the most part, it only seems to be his dirty clothes that make it into the machine). All I ask in return, and now have started to beg for, is some romance. To be swept off my feet sometimes, told he’s grateful for everything I do and that he loves me. To be treated to a night off cooking, or to go and see a film that doesn’t involve a grown man in lycra and a cape! (I do enjoy a good superhero movie, and will happily watch them, but for some reason when P.S. I love you is on, he’s nowhere to be seen).

I have now been told I nag too much. That I never say anything positive about him, that he puts up with a lot from me.

So, to the point of my blog. A very dear friend has agreed that whilst I need to try and talk and sort through things, getting everything off my chest, and maybe hearing some construcive support (and critisism) would be helpful. And so I open up the floor to you internet lovelies, with your years of relationship ups and downs.